Blockbuster Summer!

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So labor day wrapped up the summer movie going season and after several years of steadily declining sales, the movie industry came back with a vengeance hitting the 4 billion mark for the first time in history. Thanks to such blockbusters as Spiderman 3, Shrek 3 and Pirates of the Caribbean 3, all which grossed over 300 million domestically, not to mention Transformers, The Simpsons and the fact that in NYC it cost the gross national product of Ghana for two tickets, a bag of popcorn and large soda, the film industry can relax as it seems to be avoiding the same fate as music, for now.

It’s evident this was the summer of the sequel, prequel or trilogy, and while we may marvel at the cinematic masterpiece that was the summer of 07′, here is a look back at some sequels that should have been left on the cutting room floor.

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Ok. So I know this is a parody, but c’mon. This storied franchise which spawned scary movie 1 (The highest grossing black made film ever) and scary movie 2, took a sharp nose dive after The Wayans Bros. discontinued involvement following the second installment. While the third film was funny in the leslie nielsen sort of way, (Think the naked gun series) Part 4 clearly said “Fuck it… we made cake the last three times, people will go see the movie based off the name alone” I think that much was evident when the supporting cast included DR. Phil and Shaq, (Scary movie 4 made Kazaam look like citizen muthafuckin kane btw). I sadly.. wasted 2 hours of my life one night watching this celluloid shit storm on DVD. Aside from being contrived, wack and basically unimaginative, the main character (Chick with the blond hair) got collagen injected in her lips, which I thought at first was part of the comedic plot, but then realized the movie wasn’t nearly that clever.

The sad shit is… scary movie 5 is slated for 08′ and will in all likelyness be a smashing success.

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Now it might seem late in a franchise for the 5th movie to have jumped the shark, but dammit I thought Rocky’s 1-4 were excellent!! Imma get into the plot a little bit, but eff a spoiler because if you haven’t seen Rocky 1-5 by now, you’re not gonna. Unless you get caught up in one of those late night TBS marathons where they play all the Rocky’s back to back, but I digress. End Rocky 4, our hero Rocky Balboa just defeated the russian giant Ivan Drago and should be on top of the world.. his slut monkey wife finally believes he can win 3 seconds before he knocks drago down for the count, his kid is proud of him, america loves him and Rocky single handedly healed the rift that was The Cold War in one night of fighting. Fade to black.

Fade in and Rocky 5 is a fuck fest of catastrophic proportions. First of all The fat bastard drunk low life Paulie somehow loses all the money, they move back home to the mean streets of philly and Rocky is havin a hard time holdin a job at a slaughterhouse or wherever the fuck he was. Enter tommy guns blah blah rocky helps him to the top (no homo) blah blah, he betrays rocky blah blah. They fight, in the street.. in a street fight.. that happens to get aired on local network television. The only highlights from this flick was that E from Entourage fucked up Rocky’s bastard son and Rocky uppercuts the don king like character in the movie, but the shit has no resolution, because they are still piss poor come the roll credits. Oh wait… the resolution was pride. Fuck pride.. it wont get you a sweet lambo or talking robot like you had in part 4 homie.

Oddly enough The 6th installment Rocky 6, made up for 5’s short comings.

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Ok.. The Leprechaun series. Now I could have gone with “Leprechaun goes to space” or “Leprechaun goes to the hood” but I decided to go with the Sequel within a sextuple set, which translates to some new kind of movie lingo, the sexquel. “Leprechaun Back 2 Tha Hood” Now mind you, the effort someone in marketing put into the name selection. Back 2 Tha hood, identifies with me and people like me because we frum da hood ya dig. But on a more curious note. Why did he go back to the hood? apparently this sequel within a sextuple set series takes place before the 4th installment where he goes to space. If you try breakin the shit down, you’re gonna give yourself an aneurysm. The point is based on the premise, the title and the fact that this is a sequel to part 5, all signs point to this being the worst movie ever… Or more correctly put… worst movie ever to see while not high or sober, since people have alluded this shit is the truth when you’re high as a kite. Though I think anything short of me injecting a speedball directly into my medulla will help me enjoy this film. Maybe if they set it in bed stuy instead of compton. either way.

Yea this is a short list, but the amount of shitty films released would make the RIAA seem like they consistently put out auditory gold by comparison. Here are some that would have made the list had I more time to write.

WhiteNoise – the Michael Keaton movie that was supposed to document the EVP Phenomena (google it) and was meant to be a film that made you weary of watching TV. This movie only made me weary of watching Michael Keaton movies.

I Still Know What You Did Last Summer – Simply for having the Worst title in movie history.

Half Past Dead – Starring Steven Segal and Ja Rule, this shit was doomed from the start. Ja lent the movie the up coming title for his career.

Son of the mask – his mother should have swallowed him.

The End

Side Note: It seems script writing is the new demo tape. So look for a semi-consistent post about all things film and not film.

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3 Responses to “Blockbuster Summer!”

  1. State of Grace Says:

    When I saw Back 2 Tha Hood, I got so high and it was so terrible that I didn’t realize I had already seen it in the exact same state and forgotten. And then I was like “the fuck am I doing watching this a second time?” The one in space is a goddamn classic though, even if the chick from Home Improvement doesn’t get naked.

  2. Belize Says:

    Wasnt Ja Rule in Stuart Little 2? Yeah that movie blowed [||]

  3. 911 Says:

    Downloads for all…

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